Stay awake
by geradsredskittle666
Summary: The Doctor can't take his loneliness and attempts suicide. Rory saves him. The Ponds help him recover. Warnings: suicide, cutting, depression and BDSM. Rory/11th Doctor. Dom!Rory/ Sub!Doctor. Mentions past 10/Rose 11/Master 11/Jack.
1. Chapter 1

**Stay awake**

****Disclaimer: ****I don't own Dr Who or any of its characters or trademarks etc. This work of fiction is written for entertainment. I do not intend to profit from this.

****Warnings:****** depression, suicide attempt, cutting, self harm**

****Pairings: **** Rory/ 11th Doctor friendship (though you can read into it as more if you want).

He felt the cool metal handle. His hand gripped the black metal handle and it effortlessly fit his grip. The cool metal a welcome relief...a distraction from his overwhelming emotions. For a moment he felt calm but even that was fleeting.

He was alone. So very alone. And in pain. And so very alone. The depth of his pain was too deep for words and even the tears blurring his vision could never sum it up. The lonely look he wore, usually kept behind a grin (but not his eyes) barely summed up the crushing feeling.

As if it was a force that surrounded him, squeezing so hard he could barely breath past his sobs. It never relented. Never left. Of course around others even he could barely get relief. Sometimes he felt a brief reprieve and he took it. That only ended up crashing his emotions hard. The wreckage left behind was barely worth the time to pick up. Still the lonely feeling choked him.

Still it would not let him die. Only suffer in agony.

So what would end his agony? He wished for a human touch...a kindness. Someone to take him a firm hug and not let go. Someone who would not care his tears were childish and really at 905 years, he had to put that behind him.

He could never trouble his companions, the dear Amelia and her roman, Rory.

His darkness could only hurt them. Such a happy pair needed no such thing. In fact he had to hide his pain so they would remain the innocent and strong couple they were.

Leaning against the yellow walls of his room, feeling the black fluffy carpet under his toes, he had to awknowledge a fact. He looked pathetic. The great timelord in a crying mess and curled up against his bed. His bowtie was hanging loose and even his jacket was disguarded in a heap on the floor.

He looked like a broken man.

And so he was. Ragety man. Just the tatters of what he was. What his race was. Could have been.

With a small smile he handled the blade again. He could. He should. He must.

So he did.

The blade ran easily into his skin. The blade ran easily into his arms. The blood ran freely and he did nothing to stop it. If this was his death, then it was just. To him – he had earned his right to die. To be free.

To those he had killed or harmed. Or stranded. It was a justice that he should give his life for his crimes.

The blade bit into his skin. The veins underneath tore and let loose his blood.

The pain was intense. Not unbearable. Well at first maybe but now it felt like pure pleasure.

He could breath. The tightness was lifted.

At the same time a fuzziness was taking over his vision. Physically he could feel his breaths slow yet emotionally he had never felt so alive. The pain was making him feel so very much. Yet he knew he had gone too far.

He felt his hearts race in an attempt to save his body. He felt his breaths slow until he was gasping. His focus grew weaker until he knew he was gone.

And that was it.

**DWRWDWRWDWRWDWRWDWRWDWRWDWRWDWRWDWRWDWRWDWRWDWRW**

**Rory POV**

I felt a strange tug at my mind telling me to wake. To follow. It sounded familiar yet I had no time to find out who it was (or what he mused).

I grabbed my medical bag I had started keeping with me on instinct. The strange creature approved.

After a few minutes I found a room with a tardis blue door. With worry I pushed open the door and gasp.

He lay on the floor barely moving. His chest rose slightly but otherwise he looked dead. He was deathly pale and unmoving.

Forcing my legs to move, I ran to his side. Checking his vitals I gasp again. His hearts were slow and his breathing weak. His arms were cut up and still bleeding. The carpet had a dark wet stain around him. I wrapped his arms and attempted to wake him.

His eyes opened and I stared into scared eyes. He was unfocussed. "Rory?" he slurred.

I swore loudly. How much blood was lost? "Yes its Rory. I need you to stay with me. Don't close your eyes or sleep. Focus on me."

He seems to understand.

He finds it difficult but at least he tries. I can't let him die. "Speak to me. About anything" I say.

He looks surprised. Still he speaks. "She was perfect. My human. I think she loved me. I think I loved her. Her smile was so happy. She could ask anything of me and I would give it. She taught me to live. Laugh. See the universe as it was. Wonderful."

I smile as I tend to him. The Doctor doesn't seem to mind me. Even as I give him a needle that the Tardis says will help him. He falls asleep and I relax. His vitals are okay now and the Tardis emits a conforting thankful hum.

I put him in bed and cover him in his blanket. Through my tiredness, I wonder who he was speaking about.

Now the wait till morning...

**AN: **As usual read and review.


	2. Chapter 2

****Stay awake ****

****2- Recovery part 1****

****Disclaimer: ****I don't own Dr Who or any of its characters or trademarks etc. This work of fiction is written for entertainment. I do not intend to profit from this.

****Warnings:********depression, implied suicide attempt, implied cutting, implied self harm****

****Pairings: ****Rory/ 11th Doctor friendship (though you can read into it as more if you want).

**AN: **Thanks to my reviewer - Lastsyns. Also to anyone who has favourited or followed the story.

Also looking for a beta for my Doctor who fics...never been known for my spelling and grammer, Just my imagination!

**Doctor Pov**

I wake in my bed all tucked in like a child. Strange. Who would do that? Amy? No Any slept very deeply so she was out.

Did it matter?

Maybe. Someone showing such care to me did matter. I wanted to know who it was...had River come on board and not told him?

For a moment I think of Rose, the woman I would always love more than any other. No. I must not linger on Rose. The pain was still too great even after a regeneration of memories.

I force her out of my thoughts. Focussing again I think. Rory?

I laugh. Its a harsh laugh. Rory was awkward at best with him. At worst he was angry at the alien for putting his wife in danger. For causing the loss of his child. For making Amy choose.

He was jelous too. Amy had been starstruck with him. Amy had spoken about marrying her alien "imaginary" friend. All while making her best friend and crush dress and act like him.

It was a wonder I hadn't been hit yet. No creature, even a submissive human, would stand for that.

For now I ignore the mystery in favour of trying to find the source of my pain. A great stinging pain. My arms feel heavy and it hurts to move.

With a groan of pain I push myself up, kicking the blankets off. A wave of pain rolls over me and I stiffle a cry. Opening my eyes again I check my body.

The bandages around most of my arms are red and I gasp in horror. Oh no...I didn't actually do that did I?

I wanted to but it almost felt like a dream...I actually did it?

But calm in control and happy timelords didn't do this. What would Amy think?

I can't follow that thought for my own sanity.

I can't have. I can't have. I hastily try remove the bandages. I can't have. If I did, how bad?

Suddenly I feel a males hand on my shoulder...speaking but I can't focus on his voice. I feel him move to face me while grabbing my hands to still me. His voice sounds soothing and I find myself focussing on it. He sounds worried. Then I can hear his words.

**Rory POV**

I try make him focus on me but he panics. Desperately he claws at the bandages muttering. Panic attack I realise.

"Doctor you need to calm down. You will hurt yourself"I say calmly as if he is a hurt child. I grab his hands to still the movement. He pauses still looking scared but leans his head into my shoulder. Touch. Good.

I run a hand through his sweaty hair and he whimpers softly, breathing better now. "Its okay now. I've got you" I say softly in the same tone.

His beathing calms and I try to get his attention. "How do you feel?" I ask kindly.

He notices me now. "You want to know?" he asks like a confused child.

I nod.

Again he just looks confused "Why?"

My heart breaks at the abandoned tone. "I care" I reply.

He accepts this but I know he doesn't understand it. "My arms hurt a lot. Can I see under the bandages?"

He looks agitated again. "Of course. Let me rewrap them for you. If you feel scared, just tell me" I say clearly to him. At his nod I carefully unwrap the red bandages.

He stares at the raised red cuts like its not his arm. His breath quickens but I confort him. He looks guilty. He looks scared. He looks human. "Its okay. You don't have to feel guilty. I don't blame you. I don't feel angry. I don't know why but I know we can find out together. I want to help you."

He looks surprised. Tears start falling down his face and he tries to look away. I only make him face me "I mean it."

"You don't know what that means to me" he says softly.

I smile and clean the cuts with a gentle presission and rewrap them. He lets me, offering no resistence.

He seems calm again.

"What do you want to do?" I ask softly.

He shrugs.

I smile at him "Why don't we watch a movie together? Us and Amy?"I ask.

He tenses up at the mention of her name. "Does she know?" he asks carefully.

I just shake my head.

"Would she hate me?" he asks brokenly.

"No. She would try and help. She doesn't need to know why. I don't either. Unless you want to talk about it." I reply easily.

The Doctor just looks thoughful. "Can we watch Harry Potter?" he asks.

**Back to normal POV**

So the Ponds and their Doctor ended up on the lounge. The Doctor between them in a hug watching Harry Potter.

Soon the timelord drifted off in a calm rest on Rorys shoulder. Rory just put him arm around the sleeping alien.

**AN: **Next chapter I'm introducing BDSM elements. Not sex scenes though. Dom!Rory/ Sub!Doctor. As usual R and R.


	3. Chapter 3

****Stay awake****

****Disclaimer: ****I don't own Dr Who or any of its characters or trademarks etc. This work of fiction is written for entertainment. I do not intend to profit from this.

****Warnings:********depression, suicide attempt, cutting, self harm, BDSM****

****Pairings: ******Dom!Rory /Sub!11. Amy/Rory.********Rory and 11 in a non sexual way. Amy allows Rory to enter a BDSM arrangement with 11. **

****START****

****Rory POV****

**He seems calm again. Not so agitated. Not so panicked. Still my nurse instinct is screaming at me to heal him. But its not a physical wound and mental wounds are harder to heal. Still I feel an uncomfortable uneasiness...despite his appearance, something is wrong. **

**He sits silent, in deep thought by the look of it. The haunted look in his eyes is worrying. Maybe if he talked about it. Carefully I walked into the kitchen and made some tea. "Mind if I join you?" I ask to announce my presence. Despite his calm, the jumpiness hasn't faded. **

**He looks startled and I see a great depth of sadness in his eyes. An instant later the pain fades into a well practised mask of indifference. Its like the pain is all gone. He nods and sips his tea. **

**I decide to take the lead. "Are you feeling better?" I ask casually, though he knows exactly how concerned I am about him. Still the emotion might scare him away. **

**He pauses and looks hesitant. His mask slips back on and he smiles back at me. Its a fake smile though. "You know me, king of okay" he says quietly. He doesn't even sound like he believes it.**

**I frown at the lie but if he doesn't want to speak, I can't make him. "Well if the king of okay ever needs someone to talk to, I'm here" I say calmly. He knows I couldn't fall for such a poor lie but doesn't call me out. He seems greatful ******(yes I know its a spelling mistake but this spelling looks better, sue me I'm a rebel!)****** for my lack of prying into his pain. **

**After a few minutes of silence he speaks. "You know Rory, it wasn't always like this..." he begins. His voice is low and rough, full of pain. "I used to be okay...before my 9****th**** self I think...after so many regenerations I don't remember" he muses. **

**I speak equally quietly "Was that when the self harm started?". My tone is even. Despite my nurse instincts urging me to push him and my instincts as a friend to hug him and tell him how it hurts me to hear him say these things.**

**He look away, ashamed. "Yeah, when I was him...me...well the 9****th**** me.. I mean it wasn't so bad then"**

**He pauses and I wait it out. I am rewarded when he elaborates. "Just a few times when things got too close for comfort. When my companions got hurt or almost killed. Or worse. It was before I actually enjoyed it" he says quietly. **

**He looks ashamed. I speak up "I have heard the stories from the psych ward. Not that your crazy but they say similar things. Its okay. It doesn't make you a monster or a freak. Its the body reacting to pain. It can be like a drug though" I say gently. **

**He looks up, a hopeful glint in his eye. **

**I need to tread lightly here. "What helped?" I ask gently. **

**He blushes and looks away.**

**I stay silent. **

**Then I hear him whisper "him". **

**Him? Who? **

**"****What did he do to help you?" I ask. **

**He looks undecided. He nervously figits. "I can tell you but you can't think I'm a freak. I mean you can but I'd rather you don't say that out loud. Its sort of odd by human standards" he says nervously.**

**I try not to laugh. "Your odd by human standards anyway. Why would this make a difference?" I say. **

**He smiles back "of course. Your right" he reasons. **

**After a moment he speaks again. "Don't think anything is wrong with me but I sort of like pain. I like being submissive. What your kind would call BDSM" he says. **

**I'm not shocked. After all the things he has told us about himself, this is the most normal. A bit expected too. I mean the way he acts sometimes gives it away. **

**Besides its not like either me or Amy are unfamiliar with this. She may be bossy and in control most of the time but in private, its a different story. "I can't say I'm surprised. Who was he?" I ask casually. He looks surprised but recovers. **

**He gathers his voice again after the shock of my acceptance. "Another timelord, The Master ironically enough. He was rough. I thought I would hate it and want to leave. When he...well I found I enjoyed his torture as much as he enjoyed torturing me" he stops smiling to himself "Then a time travelling anomaly named Jack. He wanted more than I thought I could give...we eased our lonely hearts and when I mentioned it, he was more than eager. He said he didn't wanna scare me off by telling me. I don't think you understand how far we went for my needs. He has a dark side that enjoyed our playtime"**

**"****Do you really think that Amy or myself are that innocent?" I ask. **

**He looks surprised. "Uh who does what?" he asks blushing madly. **

**I laugh. Sometimes he acts like a child not the 900 year old alien he is. "Amy has a surprisingly submissive side. It shouldn't surprise you that I am the dominate one." I say smirking. **

**Some emotion I can't identify flickers in his eyes and he shivers slightly. Was that interest? Was that attraction? He speaks calmly "Of course Rory the Roman". **

**"****Thats Sir Rory the Roman to you" I joke. **

**Again he shivers and bites his lip. He smirks and laughs "yes sir" he says with a laugh. **

**The air is thick with anticipation. He can tell that both of us were only half joking. His sharp eyes seem to assess me, the strange emotion now clearer in his gaze. For my part I give him a wolfish grin, my own gaze predatory. Not leaving his eyes. His body is tensed. He refuses to let me out of his sight. Like a cornered rat.**

**I make the first move. With a calm control I offer my hand to him. He barely hesitates and lets me lead him to his room. **

**It seems so strange to see the great timelord so silent. So willingly following. **

****The Doctor POV****

**A calm I have not felt in a long time seems to settle in my mind. **

**Rory has a firm hold on my hand. I would pull away if I didn't feel a strange urge to follow. His moves are deliberately controlled and effortless. I wonder how he knows his way but I don't ask. **

**We stop at a bedroom the Tardis has moved closer. Plain grey carpet and white walls with a rack of various toys and a chest. The bed is large with a red cover. I remember this room well. **

**Suddenly I feel nervous. He won't expect anything will he? Surely not a flogging so soon? **

**What about sex? Or a blow job? I feel sick. **

**Panic sets in and I freeze, readying my body to fight. **

**He seems to notice and I feel his hands rubbing my back as he softly speaks. Despite my fears, I feel relaxed again soon. I can breath again. **

**"****Tell me whats wrong" he says softly. "I won't hurt you." he insists. **

**I find myself looking into his eyes, judging the truth of his words. Seeing no lies I force myself to speak. "What do you want from me?" I say in a wavering voice. **

**He seems to realise my thoughts. "Did you think I wanted sex? Or even that we would play?" he asks gently. **

**I look away. **

**He forces me to look at him...he looks pained. "I would never hurt you. If I wanted sex I would ask. If I want anything of you, I will ask. What I want now is to understand your pain. If I can help you, I will offer." he says clearly. **

**I can relax. I know I can believe him. I nod my understanding. **

**He smiles back. "Tell me how your feeling. I got you okay?"**

**Where to start? It all just feels like a messed up ball of...well mess. Like sadness and anger. Like fear and anxiety. **

**"****I don't want to be like this" I say brokenly. Its the most honest thing I have said to him. **

**He only takes me into his arms and offers his comfort. **

**"****Its like I don't want to be alive, because that means feeling all of it. But I don't wanna die either. I don't wanna not feel either." I say trying to explain. **

**"****I get the idea to try again...but I know it would upset you and Amy. I don't like how much sense the idea makes. I also know that it doesn't make sense."**

**"****If I only cut, then I won't die. I can feel normal and you won't be sad."**

**He only grips harder as I cry and try make sense of my thoughts. **

**"****I don't like being alone. I don't like thinking all the time. I don't like devising new ways I can hurt or kill myself in only minutes. I don't like remembering..."**

**My words fail me as I sob harder into him. He quietly mutters comforts and rubs my back. The motion calms me and after more sobs, I fall into a relaxed half sleep. **

****Normal POV****

**Rory smiled at the near sleeping timelord in his arms. Rory was trying not to react to the words confessed. The timelord felt that awful? The whole time? It wasn't right. **

**Still after his emotional release, he looked more peaceful. Rory would make sure the Doctor wasn't alone if he could help it. The Doctor had him and Amy. **

**The roman felt a strong protective instinct toward his friend. Smiling he picked up his friend and took him to his bedroom. When he tried to put The Doctor down, his friend whined and buried his face into Rory. Rory almost laughed out loud. It seemed the two were to sleep together but in the actual sleep way. **

**That was how Amy found them hours later. **

**She wasn't angry. How could she be? The Doctor looked peaceful and was showing a lot of trust in her husband. **

**Whatever her boys had now, it was fine with her. **

****AN: As usual read and review. ****


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